Hannelie Kotze's blog

Do we as parents have the right to regularly check our children’s SMS, MXIT and Facebook discussions?

Posted 4 May, 2009 - 11:53

By Hannelie Kotze (Educational Psychologist)

The short and sweet answer to this question is an even shorter answer – NO!

I am a firm believer of the fact that if you want to teach somebody something, the best way to do it, is to live the example. St Francis of Assisi was reported to have said: “If you want to proclaim God, do it and only when really necessary, use words.” Thus, if you want to teach your children about trust and respect in relationships, you must start by trusting them and showing them respect. Unfortunately that is not the whole story; children also have to learn that trust has to be earned and can easily be lost if we do not value it.

Therefore, I would suggest that you discuss the boundaries and rules around cellphone usage before you hand your child a cellphone. If it is too late for that then it is time to sit your child down and apologise to him or her for failing them. Then put things in place to avoid any future unhappiness.

Explain to your child that it is human nature, and fairly normal for children, to push boundaries and to be inquisitive. We all looked up the swear words in the dictionary as a child. Children have changed over the years but in some instances not at all. The only problem is that now it is no longer looking up a few “not so nice words” in a dictionary! Children today have access via their personal computers and cellphones to almost any kind of information on the internet, some of which can be very damaging and it is your responsibility as a parent to guide them as to what digital content they can access.

You can use the following analogy to explain to your child the concept of trust. At first when you were teaching him or her to learn to ride a bicycle without fairy wheels you initially had to hold on to the seat of the bicycle to assist with balance. As his or her balance improved you just had to run alongside the bicycle until a time came where it was enough to just watch from a distance. Only then did the two of you go into the streets. This process happened because your child slowly gained your confidence by showing that he or she can ride the bicycle without falling down and sustaining any injuries. Once you were sure that they knew the traffic laws and abided by them were they allowed riding their bikes unsupervised. It is no different with cellphones and computers. Initially you will have to monitor access until such time that you are convinced that they can also “ride this bicycle without getting hurt”.

It is not an invasion of your child’s privacy if he or she gives you informed consent after a discussion of what is allowed or not and what the consequences will be if they choose to disobey the agreement. Be very clear about what constitutes breaking your trust, for example, visiting inappropriate websites, logging on to unsupervised chat rooms, not adhering to “cell phone free times”, lying, not keeping promises, not being where they said they would be, being in trouble at school, not completing homework and not handing in projects on time. Do remember though that should your child choose to disobey the agreement that you need to be consistent and follow through with the consequences of your child breaking your trust – even if they may show honest remorse. This, in itself, is a lesson in trust; your word needs to be your word.

Reassure your child that if they are curious about a subject that they can come to talk to you about it. A word of caution: such a parent-child relationship needs to be cultivated from early childhood and is rarely accomplished by your being judgmental and critical of your child.

Remember the saying – “relationships, children and animals reflect the amount of attention they get!”

Happy parenting!

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Parents Corner Blog

Posted 17 February, 2009 - 12:22

Special Feature by Hannelie Kotze (Educational Psychologist)

Do you remember those brightly coloured BMX bikes when you were a teenager? You were the envy of your friends when you came to school on one of those; especially so when your bike had all the additional bells and whistles. Today the most important "must have" item for teenagers seems to be a cellphone. A teen is just not one of the cool kids on the block if they do not have the latest cellphone and cannot contact their friends via SMS, instant messaging or send their latest photos via MMS. Seven year olds and seventeen year olds have cellphones, must have them and would rather be seen in last year's fashion than without a cellphone.

A cellphone is one of those little technological wonders that make you think: "what was life like before them?" It makes for a great birthday gift for a child and it helps you as a parent to be in contact with your child. You also may feel that your child is technologically far more advanced than you and that you cannot teach him or her anything about a cellphone. This, however, is where many parents are mistaken. So, where do we as parents fit into the picture when it comes to cellphones and the mobile youth generation and what are our responsibilities apart from footing the cellphone bill?

Firstly, we have to acknowledge that we are giving our children a very powerful and technologically advanced piece of equipment. When you hand your child a cellphone you also potentially hand him or her access to a range of digital communication channels and content services - from mobile instant messaging and chat rooms to dating services, from premium rate mobile services to the mobile internet. Surely you would not allow your teenager to take your car out for the night if you knew he or she hardly knows how to drive. The same logic should apply to cellphones; your child needs to understand the benefits and potential dangers of cellphone use before they are given one!

Parenting Tips: Creating Boundaries for Cellphone Use

Like with most things in life there are boundaries. Children need to be informed and understand what boundaries exist around cellphone usage. I would suggest you consider the following areas in regard to your child and their use of a cellphone: setting a budget for cellphone use, accessing mobile content, cyberbullying, mobile instant messaging and mobile chat rooms, cellphone addiction, and school policy on cellphone use

Setting a Budget for Cellphone Use

The first, and to me one of the most important steps, is to discuss a cellphone budget with your child. A child must understand that if they spend over and above what has been budgeted for them they will be personally responsible for paying the amount of overspend. However, cellphone contracts are more often than not in your name as the parent or guardian - which makes you legally responsible for the account.

Children need to be informed about how billing works for cellphones. Many children rake up huge accounts due to ignorance on how voice or SMS services are billed. Ensure that your child knows the difference between once-off mobile content downloads and subscription services when sending an SMS to a premium rate number (a shortcode). Unlike once-off downloads where a customer is billed only when accessing content, with a subscription service a customer receives ongoing mobile content and is billed continuously on a daily, weekly or monthly basis.

Tip - I would suggest a capped contract or a prepaid account to best manage your child's cellphone budget. If you allow your child to make use of a subscription service, make sure they know how to stop the service. Also see cellphone related issues and how you can lodge a complaint with WASPA

Accessing Mobile Content

Of more concern than the overspending on a cellphone account is the kind of material your child can access from their cellphone. Popular subscription services are ring tones, horoscopes, rugby or cricket scores and adult content (including pornographic images). Commercials strongly promote these services and your child can easily access age inappropriate material.

Tip - Your child must be forewarned that you will be checking up on them until such time that he or she has proven that they can be a responsible cellphone user. I know, to many a parent, it may seem that it is an invasion of their child's privacy but you need to explain to them that it is for their own safety.

Cyberbullying

Certain rules apply in verbal communication: like being polite and kind towards others. These same rules apply to Internet and mobile communications. Many children fall prey to cyberbullies or can become the bully themselves. The anonymity that the cyber world provides creates an ideal unsupervised schoolyard where cyberbullies can spread rumours, forward photos, or textually harass other teenagers. Anne Collier, editor of NetFamilyNews.org, says that children "need to know that the Internet is a public space and need to treat it as such." This applies to the Internet accessed from a cellphone as much as using the Internet from a computer. This knowledge could go a long way towards preventing cyberbullying problems before they start.

Tip - It is important to guide children as to what is appropriate information to share online. This includes private details, photos or even video clips.

Mobile Instant Messaging and Mobile Chat Rooms

Mobile instant messaging (MIM) enables a person to be in contact with selected friends by sending short messages. It is cheap, but unlike SMS, both users have to be logged on to the mobile instant message site or application to communicate in real time. Many MIM services include anonymous chat rooms, which involves the exchange of information with a group of strangers. Some chat rooms allow users to also send pictures to each other. Most chat rooms are not moderated and provide a forum for unregulated conversations. Some MIM services have adult discussion topics and many contain X-rated quotes. Another concern is that adults can easily prey on innocent young people because of the anonymity that MIM provides.

Tip - It is important to know your child's screen names and email addresses and do not hesitate to search for her or his online identity. Discuss with them what are acceptable websites, chat rooms and messaging services. Tell them you are concerned for their safety.

Cellphone Addiction

I often hear of parents complaining about their children becoming fixated with a cellphone: spending time on Mxit talking in chat rooms to the detriment of their schoolwork and depriving themselves of sleep. Addiction to the cellphone, as well as to the computer and online games, is a real and growing problem among the youth. Often the most addictive games are the online multi-player games. They include role-playing, endless levels of achievement, and an instant messaging or chat function. Groups of players play and chat online and create a fantasy world that provides an escape from real life. Children can get caught up in this fantasy world to the exclusion of their real life responsibilities. Therefore, it is important to discuss how much time is allowed to be spent on these online or cellphone activities.

Tip - Discuss cellphone free times like meals, family outings and study time. This means that during certain times of the day cellphones will be switched off. This point is often neglected by parents who later find that their children are rarely seen without a cellphone.

School Policy on Cellphone Use

Your child should be fully informed about the consequences should he or she choose to disobey these rules. Parents must also be prepared to back the school should a cellphone be confiscated because of a transgression. Too often parents make excuses on behalf of their children for their actions and do not set the appropriate boundaries for cellphone use in the school environment.

Tip - Acquaint yourself with your child's school policy with regards to cellphones and usage at school and support the school's policy.

Responsible Parenting Matters

As a parent you can take each and every one of these precautionary measures around cellphone use and your child may still be exposed to cyberbullying or inappropriate material. But at least you have fulfilled your duty as a responsible parent.

Good and responsible parenting goes a long way toward preventing problems with cellphone usage. Below are a few more things you can do as a parent:

  • If you think they spend too much time on the cellphones, ask them what's going on.
  • Engage your children in regular conversations about their lives.
  • Have dinner together every day (without their cellphone at the table).
  • If their grades suffer or their friends stop calling, ask why.
  • If you detect a problem or a behavioural change, address it immediately; don't let it slide.

Your comments and feedback are always welcome. with these or alert us to any further issues relating to the use of cellphones among pre-teens and teenagers that you would like to see us cover.

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