Do we as parents have the right to regularly check our children’s SMS, MXIT and Facebook discussions?

By Hannelie Kotze (Educational Psychologist)

The short and sweet answer to this question is an even shorter answer – NO!

I am a firm believer of the fact that if you want to teach somebody something, the best way to do it, is to live the example. St Francis of Assisi was reported to have said: "If you want to proclaim God, do it and only when really necessary, use words." Thus, if you want to teach your children about trust and respect in relationships, you must start by trusting them and showing them respect. Unfortunately that is not the whole story; children also have to learn that trust has to be earned and can easily be lost if we do not value it.

Therefore, I would suggest that you discuss the boundaries and rules around cellphone usage before you hand your child a cellphone. If it is too late for that then it is time to sit your child down and apologise to him or her for failing them. Then put things in place to avoid any future unhappiness.

Explain to your child that it is human nature, and fairly normal for children, to push boundaries and to be inquisitive. We all looked up the swear words in the dictionary as a child. Children have changed over the years but in some instances not at all. The only problem is that now it is no longer looking up a few "not so nice words" in a dictionary! Children today have access via their personal computers and cellphones to almost any kind of information on the internet, some of which can be very damaging and it is your responsibility as a parent to guide them as to what digital content they can access.

You can use the following analogy to explain to your child the concept of trust. At first when you were teaching him or her to learn to ride a bicycle without fairy wheels you initially had to hold on to the seat of the bicycle to assist with balance. As his or her balance improved you just had to run alongside the bicycle until a time came where it was enough to just watch from a distance. Only then did the two of you go into the streets. This process happened because your child slowly gained your confidence by showing that he or she can ride the bicycle without falling down and sustaining any injuries. Once you were sure that they knew the traffic laws and abided by them were they allowed riding their bikes unsupervised. It is no different with cellphones and computers. Initially you will have to monitor access until such time that you are convinced that they can also "ride this bicycle without getting hurt".

It is not an invasion of your child’s privacy if he or she gives you informed consent after a discussion of what is allowed or not and what the consequences will be if they choose to disobey the agreement. Be very clear about what constitutes breaking your trust, for example, visiting inappropriate websites, logging on to unsupervised chat rooms, not adhering to "cell phone free times", lying, not keeping promises, not being where they said they would be, being in trouble at school, not completing homework and not handing in projects on time. Do remember though that should your child choose to disobey the agreement that you need to be consistent and follow through with the consequences of your child breaking your trust – even if they may show honest remorse. This, in itself, is a lesson in trust; your word needs to be your word.

Reassure your child that if they are curious about a subject that they can come to talk to you about it. A word of caution: such a parent-child relationship needs to be cultivated from early childhood and is rarely accomplished by your being judgmental and critical of your child.

Remember the saying – "relationships, children and animals reflect the amount of attention they get!"

Happy parenting!